How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb? (In ascending order)

A: Two. One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.

A: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one better.

A: Twelve. One to do the work and eleven to serve on the committee.

A: Change the lightbulb?! My grandmother gave that lightbulb!

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In the process of conquering the West for Christ, the Baptists went on foot, the Methodists went on horseback...but the Episcopalians waited for the Pullman car.

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The Bulletin

• Something to read during the sermon

• A fan used in churches without air conditioning

• Your receipt for attending church

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An old Episcopalian grandmother finally decided to read the Bible. She purchased a large-print edition and read it cover to cover.

When she finished, she pulled the rector aside at coffee hour and confided, “I really enjoyed reading the Bible, but I was surprise how much it quotes the Book of Common Prayer!”

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Episcopalians drink coffee as if it were the third sacrament.

• it's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.

• you hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can.

• coffee is a line item in the church budget.

• while looking for a can opener in the church kitchen, all you can find are four corkscrews.

• you watch a Star Wars movie and they say, "May the Force be with you," you respond, "And also with you."

• you recognize your neighbor, or rector, in the local liquor store and go over to greet them.

• the sight of a woman in a clerical collar doesn't make you cringe.

• you know the best way to quiet a room full of Episcopalians is to say "The Lord be with you!"

• you know how to finish the phrase "and I will raaaaise them up, and I will raaaaise them up..."

(According to Robin Williams, that is)

10. No snake handling.

9. You can believe in dinosaurs.

8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.

7. You don't have to check your brains at the door.

6. Pew aerobics.

5. Church year is color-coded.

4. Free wine on Sunday.

3. All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.

2. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.

And the Number One reason to be an Episcopalian:

1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.